put the past away!! shoooo

I have come to the realization that i live in this past ... like wayyyy to much ... not that i necessarily base things off past situations but i think about the past A LOT ... its like everything i see/hear reminds me of SOMETHING or SOMEONE ... i dont like it very much. Its really hard to move on with your life when your head just replays things. I also catch myself going through these phases where i'll think about people from my past for like a couple days here and there but have no idea why ... im really trying to stop but my mind tends to just wander hardcore and its hard ... i've prayed about it and see a change but i think i need to start actually putting a bit more effort into it.

oh i almost forgot!!! i have a huge favor to ask!!! So i'm FINALLY going to see my dad at the end of may! yay!! I was originally planning on driving but my concerned father insisted that i not since it a 5 hour drive ... boo,i wanted to soo bad! ... so he thought TRAIN! i looked up all the info on it and that was a nooo because i would have had to of sat in Washington D.C. for 3 hours both trips .. haha no thanks. So GUESSS WHAT im doing!!! FLYING!!! ahhhh!!! i highly dislike flying like seriously im already nervous about it and i still have a whole month to go!! ... its only a hour long flight but those tend to be the worst with turbulence and all that other mumbo jumbo ... errr pray for me pleaseeee!! thanks [: <3

letting go

I had an amazing dream the other night but first,let me give you a brief backround of why it was soo amazing. Its been almost a month since my step-dad died. Very shocking. Very unexpected. Apparently he had gone out for his birthday and came home completely abliterated. My mom had never even seen him that way,she became worried and called 911 since he was breathing funny and falling all over the place. They came,checked him out,the tests came back fine and he shoo'ed them off like usual. My mom still knew something wasnt right so she kept checking on him every 10 minutes or so. Her and my cousin were sitting on the couch in the living room and hadnt really heard any noise from the bedroom in awhile. So my mom gets up and goes into the bedroom,from my understanding he was completely blue and had a very faint pulse. My cousin started CPR and my mom proceeded to call 911 again. They came,worked on him for about 30 minutes at the house and then for another 10 on the way to the hospital. After arriving at the hospital shortly after the ambulance,my mom got the news that they tried everything they could but they couldnt save him. She lost it. (Later we found out that he had a massive heart attack.)We didnt get the news till a couple hours later and everyone in the house were just in complete shock. Tony and i hopped into his truck later that night and headed uo to NJ. We spent 4 days straight cleaning moms house. Im not exaggerating either. We were exhausted. It didnt really hit anyone until the day of the wake/funeral. I was amazed at the amount of people that came and all the love for him. I didnt show one ounce of emotion though. Not one tear. Thats one thing i absolutely dislike about myself. I refuse to show emotion when it comes to death until a couple weeks where it hits me and i cryandcryandcry. He never thought i loved or appreciated him. Ever. and i hated my self for making him think that. It is amazing what death can make you realize about someone. I just couldnt stop putting myself down for all the hatred i showed him at times. So going a few weeks without showing emotion,i finally broke last week. Thank God i had my family here with me or else i wouldnt have been able to deal with it. I told them everything. They comforted me the entire and at one point stood around me and prayed for me. Later that night i spent alone time with god and just asked him to show me my brokenness and to just take it away. My dream completely turned everything around,I was driving with someone on this road,i was in the passenger seat and it was just very peaceful. Finally i looked over and it was Bill. I began to explain things to him that were bothering me and letting him know how i actually felt about him. It was all silence until the end of the dream where he just looked over and said

" Its okay,Kayla. I've always known and everything is OKAY. "

The Next morning i was just in complete awe .. i could not believe that i had dreamed that. Its brought me complete closure about the situation and im just so happy!

So word of advice - tell the people you love that you love them. everyday. treat them the way they should be treated. you never know when something tragic could happen