FINALLY!

i need my tan back!! baha

muahaha

im brunette!! ... yet again!!! bahaha

change is gooood [:

put the past away!! shoooo

I have come to the realization that i live in this past ... like wayyyy to much ... not that i necessarily base things off past situations but i think about the past A LOT ... its like everything i see/hear reminds me of SOMETHING or SOMEONE ... i dont like it very much. Its really hard to move on with your life when your head just replays things. I also catch myself going through these phases where i'll think about people from my past for like a couple days here and there but have no idea why ... im really trying to stop but my mind tends to just wander hardcore and its hard ... i've prayed about it and see a change but i think i need to start actually putting a bit more effort into it.

oh i almost forgot!!! i have a huge favor to ask!!! So i'm FINALLY going to see my dad at the end of may! yay!! I was originally planning on driving but my concerned father insisted that i not since it a 5 hour drive ... boo,i wanted to soo bad! ... so he thought TRAIN! i looked up all the info on it and that was a nooo because i would have had to of sat in Washington D.C. for 3 hours both trips .. haha no thanks. So GUESSS WHAT im doing!!! FLYING!!! ahhhh!!! i highly dislike flying like seriously im already nervous about it and i still have a whole month to go!! ... its only a hour long flight but those tend to be the worst with turbulence and all that other mumbo jumbo ... errr pray for me pleaseeee!! thanks [: <3

letting go

I had an amazing dream the other night but first,let me give you a brief backround of why it was soo amazing. Its been almost a month since my step-dad died. Very shocking. Very unexpected. Apparently he had gone out for his birthday and came home completely abliterated. My mom had never even seen him that way,she became worried and called 911 since he was breathing funny and falling all over the place. They came,checked him out,the tests came back fine and he shoo'ed them off like usual. My mom still knew something wasnt right so she kept checking on him every 10 minutes or so. Her and my cousin were sitting on the couch in the living room and hadnt really heard any noise from the bedroom in awhile. So my mom gets up and goes into the bedroom,from my understanding he was completely blue and had a very faint pulse. My cousin started CPR and my mom proceeded to call 911 again. They came,worked on him for about 30 minutes at the house and then for another 10 on the way to the hospital. After arriving at the hospital shortly after the ambulance,my mom got the news that they tried everything they could but they couldnt save him. She lost it. (Later we found out that he had a massive heart attack.)We didnt get the news till a couple hours later and everyone in the house were just in complete shock. Tony and i hopped into his truck later that night and headed uo to NJ. We spent 4 days straight cleaning moms house. Im not exaggerating either. We were exhausted. It didnt really hit anyone until the day of the wake/funeral. I was amazed at the amount of people that came and all the love for him. I didnt show one ounce of emotion though. Not one tear. Thats one thing i absolutely dislike about myself. I refuse to show emotion when it comes to death until a couple weeks where it hits me and i cryandcryandcry. He never thought i loved or appreciated him. Ever. and i hated my self for making him think that. It is amazing what death can make you realize about someone. I just couldnt stop putting myself down for all the hatred i showed him at times. So going a few weeks without showing emotion,i finally broke last week. Thank God i had my family here with me or else i wouldnt have been able to deal with it. I told them everything. They comforted me the entire and at one point stood around me and prayed for me. Later that night i spent alone time with god and just asked him to show me my brokenness and to just take it away. My dream completely turned everything around,I was driving with someone on this road,i was in the passenger seat and it was just very peaceful. Finally i looked over and it was Bill. I began to explain things to him that were bothering me and letting him know how i actually felt about him. It was all silence until the end of the dream where he just looked over and said

" Its okay,Kayla. I've always known and everything is OKAY. "

The Next morning i was just in complete awe .. i could not believe that i had dreamed that. Its brought me complete closure about the situation and im just so happy!

So word of advice - tell the people you love that you love them. everyday. treat them the way they should be treated. you never know when something tragic could happen

crazy/beautiful

I wrote this a long time ago...


i havent been a very nice girlfriend lately .. tonys still gone and sadly enough,ive been taking all of my frustration out on him during these wack weeks .. i havent even been able to recognize myself at all .. & its not like its his fault,honestly,he's trying his best to please everyone and here i am being "miss self-pity,wahhh,cryy,my life is falling apart!!!" .. when really,its not.. at all.. everything is fine. I've just been over-reacting about school,work and the homelife. I've been letting things get to me more than usual and i really couldnt pinpoint what was causing all of it .. I'm guessing that its this chantix medicine. I've been taking it for a few weeks now and its been working great. except for the occasional dizzy spells that led me to almost passing out at work tuesday. I usually dont get the side affects of any medicine i take but this actually did lead me into this really bad state of mind .. not fun for anyone,especially for my family and tony who had to deal with it .. Thank God they are forgiving people .. but i still feel like crap,especially when it comes to how im acting towards tony because he's dealing with so much crap and im not making it any better when i should. A lot of people see Tony and I's past relationships and think we're not gonna make it. I know for a fact there are people out there waiting for us to break up,but its not gonna happen. These past 7 months have not been easy,trust me,we would both admit that in a heart beat . Its been HARD and we have to work at it every single day,and some days we do want to give up. but we don't. why dont we? because we love each other and we know that our love is real and it can fight through anything. We've gone months w/o talking multiple times,i moved to a different state and our friendship pretty much ended,i even started dating someone else,but some how,it always came back down to me & him .. no matter the distance or circumstance. It started as a long distance relationship for the first 2 months,then God led us both to Virginia Beach,Where we've grown so much together. Our relationship with God could be a lot better but it has been a lot worse before. It is simply amazing how much both of our lives have changed. There's no trust issues,everything is out in the open,we're forgiving,and usually if we fight,it doesn't last very long and we listen to what the other person has to say. We're not perfect,and thats what i love about our relationship. We love e/o for everything we are and everything we're not. I've never had so much fun with someone,as i do with him. Most people wouldn't even recognize Tony if they were to see all the changes in him. I am SO proud to say that he is my boyfriend. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Its seriously sad,that it took me writing this blog,to remember all of that. I have the tendency to lose sight of things when i have a lot going on. I just hate that it was my most important relationship. Forgive me?

Number ONE forever&ever baby <3

pretty much

And there's just one last thing that I have to say

As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made

It was cowardice that made me push you away

I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

-relient k

love?

I was sitting in school today going over exactly what i was going to write in this blog..mean,angry things that i would just vent out to the world and hopefully feel better. Today was not a good day. i almost got into an accident on my way to work(by like ONE inch seriously). almost passed out at work(pailness,cold sweating,the whole works) and had to deal with the typical,everyday crap .. not fun .. then i realized that i was not reacting in the way that i should have. I was being very angry and full of hate when really i should have been filled with love and forgiveness .. it been really hard for me to live by the fruit of the spirit because it can be so easy not to .. I just ask for prayer,seriously. I'm really struggling right now and i dont know what exactly is going on .. im really confused about a lot and dont know how to address it all to the right people .. I guess i just feel like IM in the wrong if i get upset over somebody else's actions or words when honestly they probably really offended me .. a lot of people just cant look over themselves to see that they might be really affecting other people .. its just really upsetting to have to deal with every single day and i dont know how much more i can take.