i wanna hold your hand <3

Sooooo,I'm just gonna type and if this becomes a interesting blog,so be it [:

I have THREE days off in a row this week! I cant wait! Tomorrow i work 6-3 then i dont have to be back to work until 10am Saturday morning! woooot [: ... I ACTUALLY have plans on all 3 days too!!! ahaha!! .. Wed,im cleaning ( ok maybe thats not excting but to me it is [:) .. Then Thursday me and my loves are goin to da beachhhh then goin back to the apartment to set up for thee partayyyy .. then Friday i sleep and go see FIREWORKS!!! [: haha!! i didnt get to see them last year :(

Today was one of those emotionally draining days. We had no coverage at work,customers are rawr then i had to go out to garden!! I got caught on my cell phone too ;] ! go meeee!

I miss my Best Friend!!!! This whole situation is just sad. I watched a video on YOUTUBE today and literally got chills :( .. I just wish everyone would figure out what they want and stick with it! ya know? .. No more confusion,no more sadness/anger! Just happiness,life is too short to not be with(physically) or spend time with someone that means a lot to you. Especially if theres precious time!!! (3 MONTHS) !!! Thats why this summer,i plan on having as much fun as possible! I Absolutely adore the people ive met here,they are all amazing !! I'm gonna miss them so much :/ .. It kills me he cant be apart of all this.

wowow

random blogg <3

Daddys girl

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. I could try to explain them but they would make absolutley no sense. Except for the one i had last week. Never in my life did i have a nightmare and found myself waking up,screaming and crying. It was the night that i fell asleep at like 7pm and woke up at 11&5&10 .. YEAH i slept 15 hours .. Nice right? Anyway- I fell back to sleep around 5:10[?] then i start dreaming but in my dream,it didnt feel like i fell asleep at all. It felt like i was still just chillin in my bed trying to go back to sleep. Then my father appeared,and we just started talking as if it was natural for someone to just appear in your room at 5AM! [haha] We started off just talkin about general things then he says he has to tell me something,so,i let him speak and the exact words out of his mouth were "I died last night Kayla,i had a heart attack,and i died in my sleep. I'm dead." This is where i started crying hysterically and was trying to call everyone possible to confirm if its true (because i believe that when it actually does happen,i will be the last family member to know because im the most "sensitive",and they wouldnt know how to tell me) .. well i couldnt get in touch with anyone so i started yelling things like "who's gonna walk me down the aisle!"."this cant be true!" .. typical things .. Then i remember driving with someone and being on the phone,i was telling the person what had happened begging them it wasnt true then i slowly began to wake up,i remember opening my eyes very slowly while screaming and crying .. then i fully woke up and still felt like it was true then it hit me that it was just a dream and the biggest wave of relief went through my entire body .. The whole day,i was impatiently waiting for 5PM so i could call my dad and make sure he was ok .. And he was,after calling him about 4 times with no answer,i finally got him and when i heard his voice,tears started to fill my eyes. I told him all about my dream and he kinda laughed cause my dads just like that but after a while he began telling me he was fine and that i have nothing to worry about. So we talked for a little bit more,and when we hung up,i was happy. My dad has the amazing ability to make me happy just by talking to him,i love it. Anyway- i go into work the next day and i begin talking to Sylena and Nick about it and Sylena proceeds to tell me that sometime dreams like that,that feel so real and natural,could be taken as a "token" by god,preparing you for death. Nick and I look at e/o like "whattt?",she starts explaining it to me better,giving me personal experiences. Like how her grandmother had a similar dream about her husband coming home,doing his regular routine but had actually been dead in the dream. Then a week later,he died. So im standing there like "ummm....!!!!" ... scared that it might actually be true. Then i call my friend and he reassures me that story and the possibility of it is completely whack and blah,blah,blah .. So yet again i get the urge to call my Father just to really make sure he's ok,and yes,hes still ok ...

See a lot of people dont know a whole lot about my relationship with Father .. I was always a daddy's girl,even after my parents divorced and i was living with my Mother,Nothing changed. At the age of 15 i moved to WV to finally live with him,lets just say,things didnt work out :/ and i moved back to NJ and didnt speak to my dad for almost 2 years .. The sad thing is,it wasnt my fathers fault why i moved,But he saw it as me giving up on him,and i guess he felt abandoned. So we just stopped talking completely. Every now and then we would write e-mails back and forth but the only thing that came out of it was anger and heartbreak .. Finally,I called him. Thanks to a great friend who encouraged and pushed me whole way to that point [: .. I went into the bathroom and locked the door,sat on the edge of the tub and dialed his work number,as it rang,i was trembling. Then he answered and i was so scared,i was finally blurted out "hi,daddy" and we talked,and it was nice :] .. Ever since then,i call him every sunday. I think now im a even bigger daddy's girl then ever before. My Father is the pusher,hes got tough love and wont give me whatever i want when i want it and i couldnt be more thankful for a father like that. He DOES make me mad sometimes but its only because i dont want to accept the truth in what he's saying. He is the one person i call when im having a really bad day and i KNOW everytime, i will get off the phone with a smile on my face. He has this amazing ability to make me feel better and it def. has to do with his incredible humor (he is,by far,the funniest person in this world). I thank the God everynight for that .. [:

Wow .. this post turned into something completely different from what i was gonna write about. haha <3

ch-ch-changes

So a lot has happened within in this past week of my life!! I cant remember the last time all this crazyness stumbled onto my plate at once! haha. But i must say,i have not been this happy in a long time. Why? i dont know!! its driving me crazy! Typically a person in my situation would be miserable! NOT ME! I dont get it!! ahhh Anyway! I find myself looking for a reason to why i'm so happy and .. it always come to,"Maybe because for once theres clarity in my life? Im not necessarily confused about my feelings towards another person?" YES! thats it! But then i remember what happened a week ago and that reason gets shot to hell! What would someone HONESTLY do in that situation?! I find myself constantly battling over what the right thing to do is. Would reminding him make things akward .... ? or more comfortable .... ? Would we laugh about .... ? or would he get upset .... ? SEE I DONT KNOW! and its driving me nuts!! How would you even remind someone of something they did while being not soo sober? Include it in a friendly conversation "OH! and by the way! THIS HAPPENED" ... hmmm ... I guess its my guilty conscious getting to me because i DOUBT any good would come out of telling him ... Then i see how we act with eachother,and the way we talk. Its unlike anything before. Its very unique. But i wonder its too unique?! maybe weird?! haha. Thing is,i dont want to run the risk of losing his friendship because what happened,happened. We cant change it. So maybe keeping it to myself(and a few close friends) would probably be the smartest thing!

sighh


i'm so use to not being this happy for no reason that im trying to find reasons to be miserable. Which in my eyes,is pretty sad. Its really not working though. I really do see a lot of things in a different perspective and i couldnt be happier that im finally content.

I recently lost someone very special in my life. It was really hard at first. It still is but i guess i've learned to deal with it and move on with my life. Living in the past and dwelling on what could have been or how things could have been better in past,is not gonna help Me. I really had to learn how to let go of people,especially the people i never wanted to but knew i had to. Its something i have to work at everyday and This is when i realize the reason why i am so happy. And the reason is God. Without him, I would not have been able to get through a lot of things in my life. He is guiding me to where he wants me and is helping me every step of the way. He is showing me that in life,you cant always have what or who you want but No matter what,you will always have him. He has bigger and better things planned for me and im so excited to see where he takes me. He has blessed me an amazing family and friends to help me get through this and to be a stronger person. I will forever praise the lord for everything/everyone i have or will have in my life!

Until next time . . .

questions

I haven't had one of these in years! But seeing as a few close friends have made one,i've decided to as well. I'm Hoping that it will help me as much as it once did.

I've been hit with a few of those "life-changing" questions lately. I'm not quit sure how to approach them though. One of them,MOST people would not approve of at all. So thats why i dont even talk about it to anyone. The other,is the most obvious,which is,"Will Kayla really move?",some people really dont think i will,because i've met so many amazing people here,which is true. I'm still moving though. Virginia Beach isn't quit definite yet and i find myself laying in bed at night wondering if i'd actually be happy there. Being farther away from most family and friends. The truth is,i'm going to keep moving until i find happiness,pure happiness,that lasts longer than a couple days,or throughout the days of a relationship. I know i sound crazy because there may be no such thing as "pure happiness" but i do know that i could be a lot happier than i am right now. I dont like the person i am here,i want to be out in the world doing something with my life. Sometime in my life,i really want to go on a mission trip somewhere,serving god. All i'm doing here is working,barely paying bills on time and working some more. Ok,maybe thats a bit exaggerated but i work a lot. haha. and yes i do have friends,but most of those friends have something else pre-occupying their time. I find that im turning into a person i really dont like. Someone who's mood can instantly be switched from happy to pissed off. Friends see it,i know they do,and the sad thing is,MOST of them KNOW not to say anything because it wouldnt help things. It would just make me more mad. So its not weird for people to come over and me be in my room with the door shut and locked. I dont know whats wrong with me but the more i type in this blog the more i realize its not good. What i do know is im not a nutcase!!! ahaha :] ... i just need to put things in priority and get my life back on a straight path. i just feel that if i stay here,ill just be doing the same thing im doin now,or Maybe october will come around and i'll stay. I'm not sure whats gonna happen. My life is in gods hands and wherever he leads me,i will go.